Miss Lala: GIIIIIIIRRRRRLLLL
Bitch, we need to make sure we do this at least once a month.
No shoes, no bras, no Hoathers!
O: Oooooh girl, you bad you bad. Wait, who is this?
ML: Oh! This is my new Lay-Day Kobold Maid. She ain’t had a name, so I named her. Call her Lalina. She’s coo.
O: Why she writing? How she writing?
ML: Girl, I picked the smartest one. And I have her transcribing this night in case we forget it, because girl, we gettin’ our drank on.
O: YOU BAD
ML: I know, bitch, I know.
O: So tells me some stories girl. OOH WAIT I GOTS ONE FIRST. I walked into the tavern the other night and there was a guy’s name-day party going on…
The story Olegia told was so graphic, I was rendered temporarily immobile, out of fear and disgust
O: …And that is why half the town is afraid of wicker baskets. Now what were you saying girl?
ML: So you know that dude, Kundel?
O: Yeah I know him, I hit that. OOOOOH
ML: OOOO- wait really? Girl, you can do better than that.
O: In Hoarsport?
ML: Hmm… you right. Anyway, so did you know that when we met Kundel, he was a dang werewolf?
O: That explains a lot.
ML: Doggie Style?
O: Has a tail.
Miss Lala stares off into space. You can tell part of her has died. She continues her story.
ML: So when he first showed up in town there were a few murders, the usual. But then we find out, hey, it’s probably a werewolf, which we obviously can’t have. So we do some sleuthing, we ask the whores, and learn there is a weird dude around. Next obvious step is sneak into his room at the inn and snoop around.
At this point, a bird flies in through the window. It appears to be a well timed joke from Oleg, Olegia’s father and famous entertainer.
ML: It reads “That’s how I got my last wife.” Your dads is HILAHRious girl.
O: Girl where do you think I get it from?
ML: So anyway, we find a ear. Earring and all. Tweren’t worth nothin, but it was suspicious as FUCK. That night, we hang around the inn, do a few patrols, and we see the mo’fukkin werewolf sneaking up on a kid. Old Man blasts the dude without question because that just what he do, that how he is. There is a quick scuffle, I throw a net on the dude and we wait til he turn back. Sho’ Nuff, it’s the mysterious Kundel. We feelin’ good, we feelin’ downright generous that day, so we tell him we gonna help him cure his curse. So we get to traveling and we talk to Teressia.
O: Who dat, did I replace that bitch as your BFF?
ML: Nah girl, she ain’t like us. She is proper as hell. Thinks her shit don’t stink. I mean, it don’t I seen it, it just turns into flowers and vines, but you know what I mean. Anyway, she tells us where to find a bog witch that could lift the curse. Meanwhile we got Kundel all tied up, day and night. We get to know him. Hoather pretends like they’re friends but you could tell he strugglin every time he tries to remember his damn name. Anyway, we find this swamp hag, and she got a crazy sentry guarding the place. I sneak on past the thing and start having a chat with old biiiiiiitch. Later, Hoather tries to talk to her with his “thou arts” and “Fair Lady”s but she want not having it. Another sad attempt at diplomacy from THE GREAT BARON HOATHER FARLAND… Meanwhile, I’m missing an AMAZING boxing match between the scarecrow sentry and the inimitable EARTH ELEMENTAL.
O: What that word you use?
ML: Don’t be ignant. Anyway, she wants us to gather some spores for her… great, fantastic. We only have to go into the smelliest place ever to get them.
O: A peasant taint?
ML: BLUGH, PLEASE GIRL. Lala, don’t wanna know about that shit. Anyhow, we have to fight some kinda crazy plant to get those spores. Which, of course we do. We bring ‘em back, Kundel is cured. We make him treasurer, before you of course. Tell him to work on his damn numbers. He can only count to six. Girl, don’t look at me like that, we were desperate. Anyway, we offer the bog bitch a place in our town, but she makes it mad clear that she eats chillin’. So we bid her TA TA.
Another bird from Oleg “I bid on my wife’s tatas”. The two laugh for twenty whole minutes
ML: (wiping tears from her eyes) Ooh… oooh girl.
O: (fanning herself) That’s my pop.
They hoot and holler and invite me to drink with them
*Amendment to record, continued next morning. I am incredibly hung over. I vaguely remember booty claps loud as thunder, and Miss Lala, deeply intoxicated, speaking of the things she would do to Baron Hoather if she were alone with him. They were not unpleasant but would most assuredly confuse and scare the Baron. I need to ice my scales and tend to Miss Olegia’s friction burns from all the grinding she did. Against what, I don’t recall